Sunday, January 31, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
Another little angel returns home.
It is such a sad day on earth, when He takes his children home... And though I truly believe that Heaven rejoices, and it is where we will all be some day, I can't even begin to imagine the emptiness a mother must feel at the loss of a child. I agree that everything happens for a reason, and that death is not the "end", but for us living here... Well, we are selfish creatures, and I for one know that if it was not for my son, I would not be fighting as hard as I am to stay.
Recently, I have had more than just a few people in my prayers that have suffered this loss. Whether they had ever seen their lil angel or not does NOT matter to a grieving family - and I say this with the utmost sincerity (and in no way comparison) , when I say, that every time someone loses their baby, it brings back the hurt of me losing my chance. I feel like even though the rest of my family was only in theory... it was still there. I lost my chance of baby Maddy Jaymes or Ethan James; but I have my miracles, River James and Jason! And obviously, Jesus knew that it was enough motivation to keep me going (without killing me in the process... hehe - more then one River right now....GULP) ...So don't feel toooo bad for me, I know my limitations. lol.
Now, I felt the need to write this for a few reasons. One, to remind myself of my blessings. Two, to remind others of the same (and maybe for some -- perspective). and most importantly Three, which.... I sadly say will just be lost in Internet space... but to my mom, who still can't bring herself to read my writings, and to my extended family who has any (and every) other excuse for not reading (listen... if you are reading, I'm obviously not talking about you...) I can only imagine the fear and anger in your heart to be faced with being told that you may lose your child. Although, this is not the first time she has been told this (I doubt you ever get used to it) Her and Lee have made it through together, hopefully gaining strength each time. The people who have helped me through though, sadly my mom does not have. I have adopted my family...Lee's family, Jason's family, and my friends - I swear, they were all strategically placed by God just to help me through, because they have!
...But I digress. I guess what I am trying to say is, I wish I could somehow help to heal the pain you must be feeling; but all I can do is say to MY mom at least, that I don't believe this is my time, not yet. And I hope that like me, you have found people who give you strength and help you through this battle. I will do all I can. to remind you that we all return to Heaven (well, hopefully) but not to worry, because I plan on being here for awhile. River will have an earthbound mother stalker... not one from above. hehe. So like I mentioned before, we would all take our own problems back from the pile... me included, because I wouldn't want to be my mom, jeez or my kid... or my sister, friend or anything, awe man... I suck. hehehe
Recently, I have had more than just a few people in my prayers that have suffered this loss. Whether they had ever seen their lil angel or not does NOT matter to a grieving family - and I say this with the utmost sincerity (and in no way comparison) , when I say, that every time someone loses their baby, it brings back the hurt of me losing my chance. I feel like even though the rest of my family was only in theory... it was still there. I lost my chance of baby Maddy Jaymes or Ethan James; but I have my miracles, River James and Jason! And obviously, Jesus knew that it was enough motivation to keep me going (without killing me in the process... hehe - more then one River right now....GULP) ...So don't feel toooo bad for me, I know my limitations. lol.
Now, I felt the need to write this for a few reasons. One, to remind myself of my blessings. Two, to remind others of the same (and maybe for some -- perspective). and most importantly Three, which.... I sadly say will just be lost in Internet space... but to my mom, who still can't bring herself to read my writings, and to my extended family who has any (and every) other excuse for not reading (listen... if you are reading, I'm obviously not talking about you...) I can only imagine the fear and anger in your heart to be faced with being told that you may lose your child. Although, this is not the first time she has been told this (I doubt you ever get used to it) Her and Lee have made it through together, hopefully gaining strength each time. The people who have helped me through though, sadly my mom does not have. I have adopted my family...Lee's family, Jason's family, and my friends - I swear, they were all strategically placed by God just to help me through, because they have!
...But I digress. I guess what I am trying to say is, I wish I could somehow help to heal the pain you must be feeling; but all I can do is say to MY mom at least, that I don't believe this is my time, not yet. And I hope that like me, you have found people who give you strength and help you through this battle. I will do all I can. to remind you that we all return to Heaven (well, hopefully) but not to worry, because I plan on being here for awhile. River will have an earthbound mother stalker... not one from above. hehe. So like I mentioned before, we would all take our own problems back from the pile... me included, because I wouldn't want to be my mom, jeez or my kid... or my sister, friend or anything, awe man... I suck. hehehe
This tattoo was done just after River was born by Jeremy Swan of Broken Art Tattoo (plug) It is the tree of life with 3 stars. 1 for Jason, River, and me. It also has 2 fallen feathers for our babies that never were.
Yaeh Lasix
Well, it is a great morning for me so far! (Ricki is doin' the "O' Happy Day" Dance) Why so happy at 7sh in the morning? Well upon weighing myself this morning - And no, trust me... this is not a vanity issue. Because of my ascites, I must weigh myself regularly (it's supposed to be daily, but so far I haven't found the need for that, says Dr. Ricki) So I say regularly... (Don't judge me! tehehe) Anyway, I am happy to say that it has taken about 2 weeks to lose that 5 lbs that I swear was making me sicker! When I went in for the colonoscopy that never was, the prep really did a lasting number on me, but any evidence of that has now been "flushed" so to speak...tehehe. Thanks to the newest drug on my resume - Lasix!! It seems to really be doing the trick.
But wait... that's not all!
These last few days have also been extremely tough because of this extreme tiredness. I joke about my many nemeses, but sleepiness is my greatest one, and this week -- it kicked my butt. Yesterday alone, I slept about 18 hours... and I used to complain that the HE (ammonia build-up) symptom of day and night reversal was irritating, (yup, that is a real symptom MANY cirrhotics suffer from)but I learned very quickly that I would rather have day and night reversed, then my body forgetting about day time all together! hehe. Seriously! But, I woke up with some strength in these bones today. This morning, I opened my eyes without puking or crying at the thought of getting up, and that is a nice feeling.
But wait... there is still more!
It is Friday... and even though I don't work right now, Fridays are still Fridays! And I know everyone is probably sick of it, but it is just 1 more week until my birthday party!! I can't help it, birthdays have never really been celebrated in our house... and this year, this year I think it's time to CELEBRATE!
So even though I know one of these days I am going to wake up sick and tired again, I will also wake up on a day after that feeling like I do today! I just have to take it one day at a time... Without rain, there would be no rainbows! eh?
But wait... that's not all!
These last few days have also been extremely tough because of this extreme tiredness. I joke about my many nemeses, but sleepiness is my greatest one, and this week -- it kicked my butt. Yesterday alone, I slept about 18 hours... and I used to complain that the HE (ammonia build-up) symptom of day and night reversal was irritating, (yup, that is a real symptom MANY cirrhotics suffer from)but I learned very quickly that I would rather have day and night reversed, then my body forgetting about day time all together! hehe. Seriously! But, I woke up with some strength in these bones today. This morning, I opened my eyes without puking or crying at the thought of getting up, and that is a nice feeling.
But wait... there is still more!
It is Friday... and even though I don't work right now, Fridays are still Fridays! And I know everyone is probably sick of it, but it is just 1 more week until my birthday party!! I can't help it, birthdays have never really been celebrated in our house... and this year, this year I think it's time to CELEBRATE!
So even though I know one of these days I am going to wake up sick and tired again, I will also wake up on a day after that feeling like I do today! I just have to take it one day at a time... Without rain, there would be no rainbows! eh?
Sunday, January 24, 2010
LAST CHANCE - BUY YOUR TICKETS BEFORE 2/06!!
****YUP THIS IS THE RIGHT PLACE ALL YOU PROCRASTINATORS WHO HAVEN'T BOUGHT YOUR TICKETS YET**** ...Make me think you weren't comin' to my birfday benefit - but, s'ok - you're here now, yes you found it. Thank you so much. This truly is going to be an amazing night, with a whole lot of awesome people that are making my journey possible!! So click below... and if you are in Salas (That's Salinas, CA) Please come join Ricki's Little River Run the same day at 9.00 - Bring your Hog...tehehe It's a Bike Run (we are diverse people :)) ...Or come join me see them off to the River Inn... A ride to the river to pay for my liver!! Love it!! Thank you all again sooooo much!!
**2/1/2010 --- If you missed out on buying your tickets to the dinner, you can still come show your support and join us for dancing, silent auction, and snacks.
Details: Time - 8:30pm, Price - $25.00
Click Buy Now button below - it will default to $25.00 :)
Hope to see you there!!
And thank you so much for the 140 amazing people already coming out to share support and prayers with my family. A HUGE thank you to everyone (and there are quite a few of you out there) who donated anything to make this night a magical one. AMAZING!
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