Monday, June 11, 2012
Not only was it my first trip by myself post transplants... But it was my first trip by myself ever. It was a special trip for so many reasons, and so much fun!
I had my clinic appointment last week. I was so nervous about this one because my LFT's had doubled the week before in labs, but thank God by Friday, they had gone back down. Doctor D. said we won't "chase" the numbers, but instead just be glad that they are back down for now. He wants to do another biopsy since the numbers still aren't great, but we are going to wait until the end of summer... Sounds good to me. Everything else is looking pretty good. They gave me tramadol for my arthritis, but I haven't filled it yet. I have low expectations for it, I laugh in tramadols face. But, maybe it's good for arthritis. Another thing that was brought up by my docs was the possible PTSD. It's not that I don't believe that I could have it, I see some of the signs, but this is different. I still worry about my health so much because I'm not better. They don't even know what went wrong with my last transplant, so how can we stop it from happening again? Even most of my fellow transplant buddies can't relate because they pretty much are better now. I'm just a time bomb. I think that is why it is so hard for me to make commitments still, and even harder to go out and form new (or fix strained) friendships. It was so emotional to slowly lose most of my friends and family because of my illness. I understand though. I'm sure some people saw me as flaky or unsociable, but if they really got the chance to know me, I could be fun, I think... Cheesy maybe, loyal at least. But why go out there now and start trying when I have no idea when I'm going to get sick again? Ok, so that may be the PTSD. But it's not like I got mugged and now won't go out of the house because I might get mugged again someday. Most people go their whole life without being mugged. This is like I got mugged, the guy lives in my building and is sending me threatening letters saying he is going to do it again. That is a rational worry right? Either way, it is not something that is constantly in my head, and it is not holding me back, that is for sure.