Foods worst nightmare!!

I would love to find a 24 hour Little Caesars and bury my face in a warm cheesy pizza pie right now. *nom*nom*nom...mmmmm. Or Chomps Eel Explosion and crunchy shrimp rolls... Oh man, come to momma. Why my sudden interest in food? I haven't eaten in over 24 hours... and I am all juiced up on Vitamin waters and 4 FREAKIN' LITERS of "draino" (Ok, maybe I technically only got 2 liters down) of the stuff called GoLytely... and let me tell you, "Go" fits -- "lightly" or anything resembling -- should NOT be near this word. hehehe, definitely false advertising on that name, definitely! ...And that's all I am going to say about that. ;) So anywho, last night, upon a "Professional" suggestion I weighed myself at 119 pounds; but today (after the colonoscopy of course) I plan on eating my way back to 122 and then, maybe even 125. Sorry, got food on the brain. I admit that even Rivers story last night kept drifting back to the subjects of restaurants or food-filled events, and a few times I was interrupted with a "Moooom, not that story! The one about River and Lightning McQueen" but he did finally fall asleep... and later today, when he goes to eat his fruit cup for snack, he will find that all of the peach flavored water has been sucked out of the cup already. hehehe (it's ok, I don't like him getting all sticky anyway) ...Besides, he doesn't mind at all. Well, it has been a few foodless and poop-filled days for me over here (I'm speaking literally - not complaining) hehe, and speaking of poop -- A new friend of mine, (a now 2-time LIVEr!! haha... I'm so clever. Yes, he recently had a liver transplant) Anyways, he sent me over his full case of unopened lactulose from his pre-transplant days... happy to be rid of it I am sure. And I was happy to receive. This box would have cost me almost $200.00 at the pharmacy! That's a few months of medicine just GIVEN to me. Angels I tell you, angels! (Although on Jan 19th I have a follow-up appointment where I DO plan on discussing a vitamin plan that just might reduce my ammonia levels, ummm without reducing my body type anymore to that of a wet cat.) I know the doctors say I need it, but there has to be something less draining on my body (hehehe) So wish me luck today, it is another fun-filled day in the life of a cirrhotic... hehehe ((Dramatics)) As far as I know, this is the LAST of my scheduled tests before I am officially accepted as a transplant patient at USC hospital. It may be strange how excited I seem -- but I have spoken to people now who have been handed the same diagnosis as me, but not the same options -- Doctors have found them to "risky" to have a transplant, (not enough spares to go around)... but, they have chosen me!! As long as these tests come back good (and they will!) I will be put on a list with over 17,000 other Americans. Waiting to start living again -- outside of a 50 foot range of my toilet and a pillow (and without a pre-stamped expiration date) that is. And I don't want to speak to soon (I don't want anyone pressured or guilted into it) but God has truly blessed me with some AMAZING friends and family that are willing to see if they are a match for me!! I will have patience though, and trust that God will know the exact time for everything to fall into place. -- I do know that I am exchanging one set of risks and problems for another. I am sure that there will be a constant fear of rejection or fear that my Hep C will come back with a vengeance... but it is a risk I am willing to take to live longer and fuller, if given the opportunity... And I know deep down that if I could, I would do it for anyone of them... and you (ya, YOU) but since no one is going to want any of my bits n' pieces, I promise to do all that I can, the only way I can! I will try to help as many people as possible by spreading the word... getting people to realize that sooo many people are needlessly suffering (THIS IS SOMETHING WE CAN CHANGE!!) just by simply spreading the word! Getting the facts out there! Giving it a face! I have read stories about parents who watch their kids strain to breathe because they need new lungs, or tethered to machines, just waiting. Human beings that can be given new life, just from the act of you saying "YES!! RECYCLE ME!" Who wouldn't want to do that? Live on as a hero to so many people forever... Score a few brownie points with Jesus on your way over... It's a win/win situation... Now, the million dollar question. How do I get people to be aware, let alone care enough to donate their organs? ...And even harder, the organs of a deceased person in their loved ones darkest hours?? ...To much to think about, I have POOPED myself out... and the thought of Dutch Apple Pie is dancing around so strongly in my head right now that I can't focus on much more... except to say, Be warned food -- be warned! ... because tonight, you are MINE. muwahahahaha.

My new year wisdom

Happy New Year!!! I woke up thankful today. I have decompensated Cirrhosis-yes, but!! A year ago today I was still waking up on a daily basis wondering what was wrong with me? Was this ever going to end? Sickness has always been like a splinter for me. It hurts just enough to piss me off and I can never find where it is. But not anymore... We've got that sucker in our sights and now just need to yank it out (metaphorically speaking) I know it is a little (ok, a lot) more complicated than that, but at least now, I know what and where the monster is and with a crapload of help, meds, and prayers... (oh yes, and a liver -- another key ingredient)I have faith that it will be fixed... I can be healthy and pain-free. I am no longer dreading the new year because I know it will be filled with tiredness, weakness, and sickness. I am excited for the unknown possibilities.

I was reminded today of an old saying,

"If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone elses, we would take ours back."

For some reason that is the thought I want to leave my 14 readers with... hehe. and trust me when I say, I believe it! May we all be reminded of what a gift life is, and be able to enjoy it. <3

Mugshot

Well, since I had made the comment that I don't mind what I look like, I guess I will post why I haven't done much lately....and a picture just for visual effect -- no, that's not Octo-mom, lol (I know, don't flatter myself) But I imagine that this is what Botox looks like -- in the nose and under eyes, if for some reason you were thinking about getting some there.

I had also not been taking my Lactulose for a few days - I picked up the prescription Monday. (errr... maybe I've been out since lil before Christmas) and have really been noticing the effects on that these last few days... and so has River. At 3 years old, I can already see him looking at me like a crazy mom from the 50's that can't figure out how to turn on his electronic toys.... It's very frustrating for ALL of us, and I have been forced to watch kid cartoons for days now on the big T.V.

I feel like I am bringing my health issues up way to much... but it really is hard when I look in the mirror and see this "new" me, or when I reach for something and Larry drop kicks me in the side, or I walk straight into the door, or forget how to open them (for that matter) NOT to be reminded of this crappy situation! However, I also know... Wow, it could be so much worse. I am even glad in a way, that I notice my ammonia levels have risen right now... because that means, I'm not so far gone that I don't realize I'm looney.... Or, God help the people out there who don't even know why they are experiencing this. My rising ammonia levels have caused such confusion in me, it has caused low self-esteem in a job that used to be so easy to grasp for me, cooking, crafts.... things I used to enjoy are foreign to me now. I also notice that I experience something similar to Roid-rage now... well for me, it feels like rage... it may look more like one of the chipmunks throwing a fit.

But... the holidays are over, the meds are REALLY kickin' back in and I have a lot to prepare for so I have got to snap out of it... Who's coming to pick me up?? :)

Body Ego - 0 (but apparently, I'm "OK" with that)

Luckily, I place outer beauty lower on my priority list, because someone a little more "body conscience" would leave every one of my doctor visits crying. Let me 'splain with some examples that I have heard within the last few months. Mind you, these are health care professionals.

• "Ewe, what concerns me is the texture and how small Larry is" (Ok... he didn't say Larry, but there was an "ewe")

• "You look pretty dry"

• "Hmmm, I don't usually feel the kidneys from the front...but your so thin and squishy." (I shit you not on that one. LOVE THIS DOCTOR. (really - he's a good doctor, and thorough)

• "You have a fat throat" (And now I realize that out of context that sounds disgusting, but I promise it was completely relative as I was getting an ultrasound of my thyroid.)

• "When are you due" (haha... stupid ascites, never creeps up when there is Maternity parking out front!)

• "Once you have your transplant, you won't have that strange tint to your skin anymore" (Hey... what strange tint? haha)

• "Oops, I thought that was it, but it was just a whole lot of scar tissue" ...I won't mention the "it" she was referring to - but apparently, I don't have one anymore. Just one more of the many things missing.

• "Wow, what is all this scarring from?" (Yes, techs AND doctors have actually said WOW when they see my battle wounds. Luckily I am a weirdo, now gaining some pride in these -- Like my tattoos. (Ok, that is overstating my enthusiasm waaay to much - they are UGLY - but there is nothing I can do about them, so I wear 'em with honor and Bad-assness!) I admit, I am also someone you would see saying, "That's nothing, check this bad boy out!" Although it pains me to think that my bikini days ended early.

Awe, well I am sure I made you laugh, you monster! hehe. All in all yesterday was actually a very good visit. I don't know why I was so worried about the psych consult... I was scared that he would see something in me (a weakness or something) that I was unaware of. Something that would be a sign to him that I wasn't strong enough to go through this, or recover after. It sounds strange, but I figure that someone like this sees a lot of transplant patients, some successes, some not... Is there a secret to those that do well? (besides the medically obvious), a quality they possess? How am I really handling all of this? Strangely... I will now think of Dr Cobb as the nice cookie lady in The Matrix...hehe. He set my mind at ease and I left feeling right as rain. What did he say, you ask? ((Still smiling as it echos in my head)) "What you are facing is going to be extremely difficult, but I have no concerns that you cannot do it -- My only concern is keeping you down long enough to recuperate after the surgery!"

YES. I could've kissed him - He even started the statement with one of my faves "Look, I'm not going to sugar coat this...extremely difficult... yada, yada, yada... you can do it!" ...REALLY! That was it, in a nutshell.

Oh yes, maybe someone can spread some light on this thyroid thing... I'm not to concerned, but the tech said he saw a few cysts or nodules on the left lobe of my thyroid? I'll keep you posted, but I have a feeling my thyroid is no different then a lot of other stuff in my body... There are simply some strange things growing in there. (That is my personal medical opinion and I'm sticking to it!)
Ok, I had to post that before I try and get a little more sleep this mornin'. Finally getting out of the house today... It has been a while since I have not being chaperoned for an appointment, or groceries by my hubby or dad...It will be just us girls chattin' n bakin' for Christmas!!