Friday, December 11, 2009

Well it is 4am and besides Larry feeling a little beaten up, I feel wide awake... OOhh, I should organize something, actually get the Christmas cards out I bought LAST year... just thinking about all of the things that have fallen to the wayside makes me kinda sleepy again, and after actually getting out of bed, I realize that I didn't have that much energy after all. This last week has been a tough one. My tiredness, sickness, duration of sickness, and pain has all steadily increased over the last few years, but this week -- I literally cried getting out of bed, and it scared me, because I thought to myself, is this it? But then I woke up yesterday with a fever... and sighed relief. River was sick last week. I most likely just caught his cold, but I'll keep an eye on it. It is hard when I look in the mirror and see dark sunken eyes. I look frail and tired and can't seem to stop the flickering thought that this could be my last Christmas... or one of them. I just wish I had more energy, what will River remember? I want to bake cookies, and go to candycane lane. I want to stay up late with cocoa and watch It's a Wonderful Life, make ornaments and wrap presents... I barely remember waking up without sickness, pain, or exhaustion. When I asked my doctor if after my transplant I would at least feel like I did before last year, and he said, "Ricki, I have no reason to believe that you won't feel better then YOU have in many years." --Whenever I feel like I can't take much more...I think about that! :) On a side note... I think that because of my sickness, Rivers future wife will thank me. hehehe... A heart of gold this one!

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