Saturday, August 7, 2010

I've got the FEVER... Cabin fever that is.

Wow, mentally I feel like I have been out of the hospital for months... though, my physical "feelings" reminds me that it has only been about 3 weeks since my transplant. Still no driving, no lifting my son, bending over is still quite painful, and with all these bruises, I look like a serious domestic violence case. Actually, the last time I was getting my Magnesium infusion one of the nurses asked me if I was in a violent relationship... I said "Yes, but only with you nurses" heheheee.
Since this is my 6th surgery, I thought for sure I would be used to it, but I guess it is something you never really get used to - being dependent on others... I can't even open my windows, well... I'm not supposed to, but you try living in Southern California in summer and your husband forgets to open the windows before he leaves for his 12 hour day.
Speaking of my husband... Please pray for him. He is running around so much, he looks like a chicken with his head cut off. Being that he is "free-lance" if he doesn't work, he doesn't get paid and probably would be let go real fast, but since he is the only one bringing in any real income... he has to work, which means that pretty much a few days after my surgery, River and I were pawned off on my poor mom. Which isn't so bad, for the two of us at least, except sometimes I feel like a kid again... and there is a reason kids leave home at 18. hehehee. I will be happy when I can stand on my own two feet again! ...I think Jason has lost weight, we aren't eating properly, and no offense to my husband, because the fact that he has started cooking dinner for us in the first place is VERY impressive, but I am getting a little tired of broiled chicken, green beans, and white rice (sometimes he broils fish instead - same seasoning so it starts to all just taste like Ficken) heheee, it's actually very good, but we have it 3 to 4 times a week, soooo ya! I have started cooking a few side dishes this week... Spanish Rice, Gnocci's (Ok, I used the Gnocci's Jason's Grandma made and sent up, but I made the sauce) and I think by next week, I'll be able to cook a full meal without sitting down or taking a pain pill (which don't really work anyways - stupid glorified Tylenol) Not this week though. My ribs are one of the main things that bothers me. (In order to put Sally in, they had to separate and hold my ribs apart) ...Bra's are really tricky right now - I know, TMI Ricki, TMI!! Back to Jason, He also has to do all the grocery shopping, cleaning the kitty litter box (forever now, since I cannot be near animal feces with my new liver... awe, darn!) and, he has to deal with ME on STEROIDS, can you say ROID-RAGE. I am on an emotional roller coaster, and not used to being this tightly wound. One little thing can get my blood boiling, but hopefully my doses will be lowered soon. This will help the balding too, yup... one more side effect from anti-rejection meds. I swear, luckily I am not vein, and happen to be a fan of Sinead O'Connor, tehehee, but again... My poor husband.
Sometimes bad thoughts come into my head. I wonder if I made the right choice, or was I selfish and cheated my death? Was this Gods plan, or did I force the hand? Am I really someone who deserved this gift when so many others are still suffering and dying? Is my Hep C going to come back with a vengeance to rectify my fate?

Don't worry, these thoughts ARE normal! They disappear just as quickly as they came, and honestly, I do believe that it is mostly due to the medicine and cabin fever... maybe a little bit of fear too, the devil tries to get in there, but I am confident - and MOST of the time, I am just plain happy to be alive and not puking! :) OH, and here is a little article (one of many) just to prove I'm normal. I will admit that for me, it is all about keeping my mind busy, which isn't to hard with a wild 4 year old running circles around me and asking questions about everything under the sun. Staying connected to the outside world helps too, even if it is just by writing or facebook and twitter, although sometimes I do have to force myself to do these things too. Hopefully soon I will be right as rain, and can focus on what I really want to do, a program to help transplant patients, mentally and financially. Don't laugh, I think it helps that I in fact need help... with BOTH of these things. hahaha. I do have knowledge to share though... This ain't my first rodeo!
Whoooooooooo hoooooooooo! LIFE, live it then give it!!

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