Friday, January 29, 2010

Another little angel returns home.

It is such a sad day on earth, when He takes his children home... And though I truly believe that Heaven rejoices, and it is where we will all be some day, I can't even begin to imagine the emptiness a mother must feel at the loss of a child. I agree that everything happens for a reason, and that death is not the "end", but for us living here... Well, we are selfish creatures, and I for one know that if it was not for my son, I would not be fighting as hard as I am to stay.
Recently, I have had more than just a few people in my prayers that have suffered this loss. Whether they had ever seen their lil angel or not does NOT matter to a grieving family - and I say this with the utmost sincerity (and in no way comparison) , when I say, that every time someone loses their baby, it brings back the hurt of me losing my chance. I feel like even though the rest of my family was only in theory... it was still there. I lost my chance of baby Maddy Jaymes or Ethan James; but I have my miracles, River James and Jason! And obviously, Jesus knew that it was enough motivation to keep me going (without killing me in the process... hehe - more then one River right now....GULP) ...So don't feel toooo bad for me, I know my limitations. lol.
Now, I felt the need to write this for a few reasons. One, to remind myself of my blessings. Two, to remind others of the same (and maybe for some -- perspective). and most importantly Three, which.... I sadly say will just be lost in Internet space... but to my mom, who still can't bring herself to read my writings, and to my extended family who has any (and every) other excuse for not reading (listen... if you are reading, I'm obviously not talking about you...) I can only imagine the fear and anger in your heart to be faced with being told that you may lose your child. Although, this is not the first time she has been told this (I doubt you ever get used to it) Her and Lee have made it through together, hopefully gaining strength each time. The people who have helped me through though, sadly my mom does not have. I have adopted my family...Lee's family, Jason's family, and my friends - I swear, they were all strategically placed by God just to help me through, because they have!
...But I digress. I guess what I am trying to say is, I wish I could somehow help to heal the pain you must be feeling; but all I can do is say to MY mom at least, that I don't believe this is my time, not yet. And I hope that like me, you have found people who give you strength and help you through this battle. I will do all I can. to remind you that we all return to Heaven (well, hopefully) but not to worry, because I plan on being here for awhile. River will have an earthbound mother stalker... not one from above. hehe. So like I mentioned before, we would all take our own problems back from the pile... me included, because I wouldn't want to be my mom, jeez or my kid... or my sister, friend or anything, awe man... I suck. hehehe
This tattoo was done just after River was born by Jeremy Swan of Broken Art Tattoo (plug) It is the tree of life with 3 stars. 1 for Jason, River, and me. It also has 2 fallen feathers for our babies that never were.

1 comment:

Craig said...

Wow! Stirring stuff.......well done for writing it.