Saturday, April 17, 2010

3 days in Solitare and I promise to be a good girl!!

On the 13th, the day before River's birthday. I had finally gone in to see my general doctor for the UTI infection and share that I have been experiencing some anxiety attacks. I got in there thinking I was coming home in an hour with a prescription for cipro and xanex, but was mistaken. I had a 102 degree temperature, and weight was 129 lbs, they wanted to makes sure that the infection wasn't in the Ascites fluid I've been lugging around with me.  
I was so sad when I heard that I was going to have to stay in at least 2 nights to get the results. I already had my heart shaped pancake cutter and a gift ready to give to River right when we woke up... I like to make the whole day special. Even though I think we should never take anyone for granted, birthdays I have always took as a day to really show someone how happy you are that they were born and chose to spend it with you. Anyway, besides the fact that I have pretty much been sick every single one of his b-days, and that just sucks!
So early on the 14th, instead of making heart-shaped pancakes, I was wheeled into the ultrasound tech's room, and prepared for (probably one of the bigger needles I've seen) a test to drain some of the extra Ascites fluid. Once they got their sample, they let the rest of the fluid in that pocket drain as well... removing a 300 ml. Trust me when I say this is nothing, the guy next to me (I shall call him Bob) Bob was there being drained when I got in my room and when I was being rolled out, he was still filling bottles and didn't even look half done. Poor Bob, it don't feel good. I am still pretty bruised feeling, but nothing to bad. And River did get to open his presents and eat cupcakes *made by Auntie for his actual birthday. I'm not worried about him becoming a bitter kid... He really does seem to take all of this like a trooper. Always in good spirits. I am sure that all kids are complimented, but people have always commented on his happy nature and caring heart... and he is only 4. He just has something about him though, you can see it in his eyes sometimes. Old soul maybe. Anyways, he can go 2 ways with this...."Poor me, my mom was never there for me as a kid" or "My mom's my hero for giving me empathy." Lets pray for the second one. 
I cannot handle people who use their situations and experiences as a get out of free butt-head card, or a crutch, instead of taking it as it really is... a tough experience that YOU were a warrior through and made you better for knowing. I am 29 years old now. Born with Hepatitis C, shuffled around very unsavory situations and lived with my Aunt and Grandma, I have seen a man stabbed, walked in on a what I thought was a dead mother on several occasions, lived with family death, I had a father that I hardly ever seen and who has completely disowned me now that I am sick. I have slept in garages, trailers, and to full houses, and on food stamps. I have been touched in places little kids shouldn't be touched, and pretty much left to my own demises until my mom came back healthy, and we moved up North; where I couldn't STAND my "new dad". (course I'm quite partial to him now... he is the only dad I've got and I should have given him more credit for only being 19, hard to tell that to a 7 year old though. I have had I have been in and out of hospitals, I tried a treatment for my hep C that did not work but had the effects of chemo on me. Though I did not loose ALL of my hair. (just patches) Gallbladder, Appendix, Uterus - Gone. Chances of ever giving birth again - Gone. Spending the first 3 weeks with my one and only newborn - never experienced. wow... where in the heck was I going with this. (Let me scroll up a bit) Oh yes. My point... because of this or despite all of this... I am who I am... and I'm not someone who blames anyone for that.  So I am sure my son will feel the same when he is older. I hope. That was the point I was trying to make fifteen minutes ago. (before everyone in my immediate family disowns me. tehehe) HEY I think you should always be open and truthful, you never know how many people are in similar situations unless you do.... like tell me this one gals. any one of you leave an empty shampoo bottle in your shower to see how long it takes for your husband to throw it away... I thought I was the only mean one when we first got married, turns out, a lot of wives like to piss themselves off by performing such tests on husbands. See. :) 
Speaking of Jason, he is still handling everything like a rockstar. Although, you can tell it is taking it's toll on him. He did get to PUFF out his chest a little wider last night though. hehe. I am not sure if I informed you, but Jason's job has now left the CNN building. They couldn't afford the lease and now since Jason's pay has taken a 30% cut. I actually am making a few dollars more than him with my disability checks... and that is pretty hard. But he got a call last night to do some freelance work (I'll find out the name of the company) and he was really excited about that. He is good enough in his profession that people remember him and ask him, instead of him having to get a demo wheel together and really get out there and sale himself. (because that he is not so good at...guy showing up in flip flops and a hat) hehe. So that is awesome and couldn't have come at a more needed time. I also learned that if something does happen to Rezn8 and Jason looses his job, Cobra though even moooooore money, will still pay for the transplant for both me and Nancy. YA BABY!! Good things.
I'll leave you with a dream I had in the hospital (because everyone loves hearing dreams. not really but this is a nice hopeful sign ((and short))

The scene is a nice sunny house and I am chopping veggies (looks like I'm making a stalk, hehe, anywho) there is a pretty young girl sitting at the island with me and she is laughing as I am giving her what seems to be embarrassing info on River. she is laughing hard now and then as still laughing, I sighed, looked straight at her said "well he was a stubborn boy, but that was back when I was sick" Awe. I woke up smiling... "back when I was sick" best dream ever!! See. At least something in this post was short and sweet. 

By the way, official discharge was for kidney infection (I waited to long w/ a UTI) and high ammonia levels right now. What I am going to do... work harder at only going in there 1 more time, and that's on July 15th baby. hehehe.

No comments: